(to crowd) "Horsedick doesn't have a dick! Horsedick wasn't born with genitalia. He has to pee through a straw!"
- Cindi Whitehall, Miss March
(Tucker gets his first look as a kid at a naked girl in Playboy: 'Is that what girls look like? How do they pee?') "[points at breasts] It must come out of those!"
- Eugene Bell, Miss March
"Cindy, wait. I'll have sex with you on prom night. (Cindy: 'You promise?') I promise I'll have sex with you on prom night."
- Eugene Bell, Miss March
(showing a graphic slide to little kids at school during his lecture on abstinence) "This is a venereal disease! [kids scream in terror]"
- Eugene Bell, Miss March
(Eugene: 'I need to talk to Cindi.') "Why don't you write a message on my dick and I will make sure she gets to read it!"
- Horsedick.MPEG, Miss March
(to Eugene) "When you give something to a woman, they don't do nothing but take. That's why you don't give them nothing but the dick. They can't take that away from you."
- Horsedick.MPEG, Miss March
(to Tucker) "Tucker, there's a bunny deep down inside each and every woman...if you can see the bunny in these girls, then you're on to something my friend."
- Hugh Hefner , Miss March
(after Tucker wrecks the car while watching them having sex in the back seat) "Is there going to be a problem? You almost made me bite Vonka's labia!"
- Lesbian, Miss March
(Eugene: 'Do you have any helpful advice? You have any tips on how I can make this a wonderful, romantic night for Cindi and everything she wants it to be?') "Shave your cock!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(to Candace) "Candace, you're the last person that I ever want to bonk, and if your weird brain thing makes you bite my chunk while you're blowing me, so be it! I'll never stab you again!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(to Eugene) "Did you shave your cock yet? You gotta shave your cock, it makes it look bigger!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(in fireman suit) "I can't work like this. Firemen never get laid, everyone knows that. People hate firemen!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(to Candace) "I got you something. [for their anniversary] (Candace: 'A pole?') A stripper pole! Happy 13 months boning!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(to Horesdick's hooker) "I gotta warn you I'm a little drunk so this could take 2 or 3 minutes."
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(to Hefner) "I think I get it. I was trying to turn my girlfriend into a Playboy bunny, that's why she had that seizure and I stabbed her in the face a bunch but if I just realized that she was a bunny, none of these firemen would be trying to kill me!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
"Look man, I've already slept with twelve women, that's punishable by stoning in some countries!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(Eugene: 'Who is Horsedick.MPEG?') "Oh, that's Phil man. That's his MC name. (Eugene: 'Phil's MC name is Horsedick?') .MPEG, (Eugene: 'That is so retarded.') Dude, you are so white!"
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
(fortifying Eugene with liquor just before his first sexual encounter) "You should probably have one more since this is your first time or you'll explode as soon as you get in there."
- Tucker Cleigh, Miss March
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