my life starts now
my life begins just as normal woman like anyone...i have been through past relationships and sometimes it feels like i am getting worst from it.i know there are lot of reasons and puprose why do those things happened.
my first ex way back from 3rd year highschool .we started from texting when my friend said to me there was someone who had a crush on me. i was so innocent those times i that got interested to texted him and he also...but our relationship is hidden because my parents were very strict to me for not having a boyfriend when i am still studying..we continued our relationship for almost 1 month? but we broke up. when my mother found out that i had a boyfriend and it was him . my ex and my mom talked about the things if he love me or he love my daughter but he responded that in a reasonale way..he did those things because i was the one who forced him so have me as his girlfriend.well it was my fault, i rushed..but i was so young and innocent those times so i did not know what relationship is all about maybe because of i want to experience it like my girl clasmates of mine who had their boyfriend or in a relationship way etc.he left wihtout saying goodbye when he was going to his province. i was so shocked and did not know what to do. my friend said that he was waiting for me to go out from my house and bid goodbye to me.. i did not know, all i really know was i was mad at him and that's it. but later on, i felt the feelings of having a first heartbreak. it took me 3 months to get over him
and then there was a man named jerry actually i knew this my guy when my friend who was his sister introduced him to me..i was so upset because he was looking at me whenever i was talking with his sister ofcourse his sister was my friend so we shared a lot of things.and i met his sister in a choir but that was way back 2004.the story started in a text messge. whenever i texted his sister ofcourse i missed her, he's the one texting me so i entertained him and we got a lot of few stories but in those times i was not interested about him.4th year highschool when we saw again..still, texting but on those times i changed my number..it was 1 year since we had no contact.i thought that he forgot me but he didnt?so we started as friends for almost a weeks?actually i have my friend also, his name is jhang who had a crush on me? as they have told me but in those things..i never believed, because his just only my friend..and he became envy whenever me and jerry were contacting and texting until later on..jerry admitted to me thet he also had a crush on me..at first, i never believed but later on, i found myself i was falling in love in him and it was july 28 sometjing that i answered him and there we started our relationship...but my parents and my uncle were not approved in our relationship even my brother also..so it was hard for me, i was the one who broke up with him..i found myself crying because i did not want to do that to him..he was so kind but i was the one who ended it. 2 weeks of our break up and i came back to him again and said sorry for what i have done, and we started our relationship again.but this time was hidden. all they know, i broke up with him but what they did not knew, we started our relationship again..we brokeup on april because of the things i could not understand about him and started to return the things that he given to me-the cd which had an 18 songs dedicated to me, at first i did not feel of having a heartbreak again until later on, i feel the emptiness and the hardness the day that i did it, i started to contact him again but he changed his number, so i was so sorry to myself and kept crying why all those things that i have loved, was lost. june of 2006 that i went to his house, he was there together with his sister and his friend, jhang. they were so surprised when they saw me. we shared lot of stories, bloopers and conversations until jhang went his way home and his sister, only 2 of us were left.until i spoke to him all the things and began to say my sorry again, he said why did you return those things. he even told me that he could not find it anywhere on the house, thought that it was missing.., i said because of too much irritated about him and the anger that i felt that let me decide a choice to did that.at first, i experience not to be so affected then later i realize it was my mistake again that i hurt him so much. i was hurt those times thats why i was here to reunite us again, he listened to my story and gave me a chance and there, we kissed and hug like too much of missing from each other until we continued our relationship.almost 1 year and 6 months until i continued to my 1st yr college in lyceum.he was the first one that i sexed with on the month of january. but on those times, i was forced because i did not want that situation and i even told him what if i became pregnant he said that its okay im going to be the father of the child....huh? i did not know what was happening in his mind. thought that he was insane and he used my body for his exploration of aomething.....i did not know...it was my first time that i experienced those things with him and i was so distracted...but my love to him was sincere i did not know why he kept on doing those insane stuffs. until i planned to break up to him again..summer of 2006 when i found out that there was another girl who got the attention of him actually he used the sun of his sister just for a friendly conversation. at first,my point about this was just a friend only until later on that friend went deeper until me and my aunty were walking towards the store to buy grocery stuffs and met him talking on the phone, smiling and giggling...huh???? i pretend not to comment on that thing but it brought me a lot of confusion in my mind until i decided to broke up with him on that time..i ws so upset about him why he kept on doing that maybe he was so fed up with me or maybe the worst being tired too much of me. i announced to his sister after i finished buying grocery stuffs from the mini grocery that is near to us that me and jerry are break. i went to my home and started to forget all of the things about him. later on, he came over to my house afraid to let me go but if he was so afraid why did he keep on doing that..right?i send him away from me and didnt talk to him further until later on i was talking with another guy who had also a crush on me and also sooing me but i used him just to let him resentful until one time, i was talking with this guy namely erwin, jerry and his 2 other friends went to our house and were so suprised who was the guy who was becoming closer to me..in his point, i was still his gf but for me, i was not because im too tired of him..giving more chances but he took them for granted until i over it. and when jerry could not withstand the situation that he saw he began to fought with erwin man to man and said whats your problem. there was war outside from my house and the witnesses were the fraternity group who were renting in our shop, my aunty,bro and me.he cried away because of me and i was so shocked that i realized that this guy loves me but i was too much over with him and did not want to expect more or any coming from him.later on i realized it was my mistake. i said sorry again but those times, that was the start of the end of our relationship.
after jerry, i have mentioned that i met a guy namely erwin. this guy was good, tall rather than jerry who was 5'3. i started making a friend of him but i think i was forcing myself because i was gone through jerry and here i am again.2 months that we started our good friendship until i fell again in him but forcely..whenever i contact this guy, there was someone on friendster, who wanted me as his girlfriend and also being a wife?huh????at first he said,when the first time that he saw me, he fell in love with me..?in picture only? i said to myself,what if i wasnt that girl, what if i was different or an ugly one?but because of his too much naughtiness, i entertained him....i answered erwin together with this guy but on different dates..i answered erwin with conditions that he simly obeyed to and this guy with just a pity. my relationship with erwin lasted for 2 months .the story with erwin comes on this--i was 18 when i invited him to my debut, i didnt introduce him to my parents although they know i had another boyfriend again, my parents were disapprove about my another relationship again because they were thinking about the future i have with a band member without a job(that was former).that was the start of confusion between me and my mom.we argue a lot of things regarding about him..i stayed in my relationship with erwin and i knew he also felt the same way.i was facing difficulties with my parents but i did not tell him that the problem was him..my parents wanted me to break up with him but i did not continue..until later on, i realized when erwin didnt text me for almost 1 month, i decided to end our relationship..i dont want to hear, he'll be the one to end it..it was me, i felt a pity about erwin because of too much rushing of situations that was me who started it and now wanted to over it.so because of pity, i end it.erwin was surprised about my last message. he messaged me, he said he just given a load from his mom, it was last week of the month and even told me..i must mean those things that i have said to him and dont repent on the last.that was the end of my relationship with erwin.with the guy, i almost ended it because at first, i do not feel anything about him, we had not meet once and although this guy had a future plans for me, yes that was good, i feel nothing about him..so much pity that i end my contact with him, he was even angry and gain revenge because of the things that i have done to him when i lose his grip from me.
after these times, i was on my SFC, student for Christ when there's an issue when mike told me about gelo on ym and i said who's that gelo?because i simply memorize person on faces but not on names if that person is close to me then i will know him, and mike referred gelo on september of 2007. it was a simple gathering of the students after the Bible study, eating time which was most favoured by the boys of SFC .it was the time i knew gelo..at first i thought paul was gelo because as mike said tall and has a looks? so i looked on him but my mistake it wasn't him it was a tall guy with a right long of hair but the looks ahm...... dont have to comment about that..but actually he's okay..and we started our friendship..at first he's nice as what i have observed but later on i found out, i was falling in love again with him and in a meanwhile i answered him with a rush...at first i thought gelo will be my future husband someday as i saw on his background but it was a big and great mistake..things happened and later gelo was breaking up with me, i did not know the reason why..all i knew was from the school because he was failed from his final exams and was part of the list to be kickout from mapua..so gelo decided to break up with me and see first what was the turning point of his life, i disagree about his point and began to cry..he comforted me that time and decided to stay but thats the first of the worst part that was happened to me..he began not to respond on my messages, he had a lot of things to do and i found out that he even messaged his friends but not me, he even exchanged me from the game of dota. he even neglect me and let me down...the last, was with his friends, i saw the 3 of them and gelo did not even noticed me although he saw me, i was hurt that time why he was doing those stuffs to me. had i done something wrong?why was it...why he let those things happened..why did he let me alone? there were so many questions that was on my mind..many times i cried about him, the one that i even told of my great load was my friend mike..i told him all my encumberence about gelo and my story about my past relatioships..he even sermoned me and even being frank of me but i let him because i know he was right ofcourse as a part of a guy, first i must consider myself before others so that others wont knock me down especially in terms of relationship. i told him about my saddleness about him,why was it why was that..many questions that were not being answered and mike offered me a shoulder to cry all my troubles inside..he knew a lot about my problems about gelo and more of things..things that were hidden and he did not know it because he did not even contact me even in ym,he permanently invisible himself from my other ym and on my original ym he's online...many more things happened that he did not know..coz he was doing his own stuffs without my concerns..and many more things happened to myself that made me stronger again..start of 2nd sem that we saw wach other at the same place, our own student lounge in herald building, at first, i didnt pretend that i was angry or mad at him but i was counting the times and days of chances to gelo-hidden that he didn know. many times i observe his actions and ways still he was on his own way until i decided to break with him in formal. i talked to him last chance that whenrver he did those things again, i will break him so i was giving him another chance but he taken it for granted,still he's hardhearted, he followed his friends in playing dota rather than accompany me to go home , it was dismissal from my class that i wanted to go.he was so hardhearted thats why i decided to break up and split with him..did not want to continue our relationship further.when my friends in SFC knew this,it was the last of november they were so worried about us. because of him, i became cold and not to talk to him. i even did not want to see him or contact to him anymore.i deleted him on my accounts in friendster and ym and he readds me, but still i deleted him and declined his request. i was so cold on that time that even my ate rachel and milcha observed it that i must learn how to forgive yes i know it was so hurt and they also hurt also,they even shared their stories to me on their past relationship, but still i continued to stew on my pain.2 years had passed when gelo pm me on my ym and it was the first time that he noticed me on those 2 years . i welcomed him and even said all of those things to him but in a just a joking way until suddenly he began to have his apology and said his sorry to me, i was so surprised , in my mind,he would never ever do that but on my surprise he said it a thought that would not become true, he done it..then i smiled and said that i already forgave him because if i continuue to stew on this, i would not move on. i welcomed and accepted his apology and became friends with him and forget what was done before.this was done on the summer of may2009.
there's man named marlfer olavere who was my friend in ym when i was 1st year college..i did not know how did i met this guy, i was shocked when my friend vanessa told me that he was the boyfriend of our batchmate jen..surprising...the last time that i received his message was on my 1st account on friendster before that he needed a help, he was facing a problem, on those times i was doing a lot of things that i did not consider him and when i replied to his message, he did not respond to me. so i let him go on his way way back 2006. as time goes by,we had our good contact because before, i was not contacting him even though he pm me in ym i did not respond until on his too much naughtiness, i noticed him. and then we conversated each other but in a short time because i was going to logout, he wanted to meet me so i decided to let him and grant his request. that time i was relaxing on my past relationships but left me with a scar that doesnt heal.it was my after class of speechcom when i met this guy at 711 intra, at first i was recalling his feature and appearance according to his pic on ym because it was a long ago and i did not even remember what was his look. until the time that i saw him , i was stunned..he was so different on the pic and in personal..he has a very good looks on and that things made me blush, that i did not even know how and why, maybe because of his physical appearance. after we conversated each other. as i went home, i could not understand my feelings..i did not know whether i was inlove or not but i stopped on my feelings because it made me deceived on this. i was just relaxing and i was not yet ready for another relationship again..but the more that i am staying away from him , the more he became closer...we were almost friends i mean special friends perhaps, shared a lot of things but i was stopping myself for being in love..he knew what was my relationship before that i even cried on his shoulder.. it was him the first that i cried on personally that took him on a surprise.so he tried to made me laugh and happy and not being sad, he did not want to see me crying and sad again.. trinoma, our date last december 2007 that we enjoyed ourselves being together but we were friends on those times, he made everything so special with magic.thats why everything seems like blooming to me..on message, he even background me with a feeling what if there's someone who admit he has a feelings to you what will you do? as for myself, it took me longer to answer to his question but i said that its okay but i cant because still im relaxing, im relaxing my heart from all the things happened to me, just friends only..still he keep on asking me that question wheter in a text or in personal thus i did not know how to respond until one day, when we were on manila bay, he was suddenly slipped from his words that he loved me, i was so shocked and paused myself for a while..thinking i was just dreaming or maybe deceived but it wasnt...he comforted me and hugged me like we were..until he accompanied me to went home..that time was the last time that i will saw him...i decided not to respond but later on i began to missed him...in a few days,,,i chose to not to be affected and still worked as his friend but he doesnt even respond, i began to call his number but it was out of coverage area. i began to cried....why?where was he?i cried many times because of him again until i found out that his cp was stolen by his ownf uncle...february 14 he wanted to contact me on my ym because he did not memorize my number so he said if we can meet on 14..it was too late february 16 , i opened my ym to see if i had message and there, he wanted to meet me again but this was a last time..february 18 that we saw at the post office and i hugged how much i missed him. and he explained all those things..but i knew there was something that was bothering around him but i tried not to notice it. until summer i found out that he was with another girl i was so shocked and penitent that i did not grant his request and took him away from me.i missed the chance that he was giving to me just to make me happy and smile again but i lost it and it was too late.. i cried and cried because later on i found myself that i was inlove at him and i love him but it was late...with the help of my friend vane, i learned how to stand up, after 1 month of process of moving on,i accepted the things that i could not change and i moved on.
this guy thought me how to love again for a second chance after the many things that i had passed. although we weren't still i was so thankful he gave me a chance how to love and be loved again.
as i moved on, there was a guy named john lester lo, a friend of gelo.my last.actually we met from friendster...his name there was i recall was mazdatenza..i was not sure if thats correct.he added me from him, at first i viewed his profile..on it, friendster had a problem on viewing of images so i could not know who was this person. as i am welcome in friends, i decided to approve his request until later on he pm me that he was thankful because i approve him as one of my friends? o.O at first, i was surprised but a more of sensitive who is this guy, why was he being thankful ???? so i responded. it was just okay..and so forth..until later on i had a very strange feeling who was this? everyday he pm me so i frank him that i was so sensitive in terms of strangers, its okay to pm me if that perosn was close to me but a perosn who was just currently known,,ahm just pause for a minute im a more of sensitive about that..he understood my situation until we decided to talk on ym. i requested to see his picture until popped up, and on my surprise he was handsome! but i pretend not to show other ways but being just a friend so i decided to control my feelings.i found out that he was gone through from his past relationship when i requested if he had an imeem. his status there was in a relationship, and i saw the pic of his girlfriend..i asked him..you had a girlfriend and i smiled, on those times, i began to concerned about him, giving a lot of advices, help and comfort as his friend until that closeness was the beginning of something that i could not explain..i began to had a crush on him but that was hidden coz i dont want to show him exposely so i decided to hide it but the more i hide, the more showy it comes, i began so interested about him but i remained myself to slow down....as i was enjoying myself to know him..we conversated and talked a lot of things together though in ym...i advice him about love tips sometimes i feel like maybe he was annoyed about that so i rode in on his ways.the start that i advised him about the love from his past relationship , he told me the issue of theirs was religion. i told many thing and concern about he and his exgf so he followed it, i helped him to redirect his point on his situation so i gave him helpful words to revisualized what was happening in his life especially in terms on breaking up or after breaking up.he smiled and he was happy.it was my great pleasure to help him but still he even told me that the girl wasnt want him to come back again , so i was so sorry for them but then i showed comfort and encourgament as his friend until later i found out myself i was falling inlove with him but i controlled my feelings , that must not be happened..maybe it ws just my state of mind because i was so close to him by the way but the more i became so close to him the more i could not stop myself.so i decided to pretend it and being with him as his friend only.times went by he remembered his exgirlfriend, i was hurt to knew that but because he's my friend i consider it until he noticed something strange things in my actions towards him that he even said am i getting jealous? i said no ..so i started to pretend about it and continue being friend for him...time goes by that our friendship becoming deeper and deeper, we online everyday even he was on im mobile,talked everyday.until the start of my class on 3rd year 1st sem, i gave my contact to him and that was the start of our messaging and communicating with each other. the first, we shared our story and even told him that there was a guy my former classmate who was surprised that i looked very different than way back hs days. currently,i looked like a beautiful lady in a pic and was interested about me, at first it was nothing to him but when he heard of this, on my thought,he became sad but i said to him that my former classmate was just my friend and nothing will ever change about that no matter wht will happens, ill just consider him as my friend only . he became happy that he knew this and continue to our discussion even though i was so sleepy.he was so naughty because he did not want me to go to sleep while i was so sleepy on texting him very late on night. until suddenly i slept , his last message, on my surprise as i woke up, he had enjoyed his time with me including i love you.so as a friend i said to him i love you also just riding in. because i dont want myself to be rush again and be decieved again so i decided just riding in even though i had a feelings for him that i was pretending and hiding of.continuation of talks and discussions and we enjoyed our time even in text. but sometimes there was a portion on mind, i wanted to meet him but ill just later save it for a meantime.the first voice that i heard from him was the time that he called me on when i was making my powerpoint work, he wanted to help me so i allowed him..i was so happy when i heard his voice something sweet to my ear but his voice was so small and thought that maybe this person was really short as he said to me..thinking he was tall but he wasn't.times went by, we shared a lot of common with each other keep on conversating and talking until the time that i felt i was all alone, he approached me if i let him to be the one that makes me feel happy, i said yes, at first i thought it was just only a friendly way but it was not. that was the time we started our relationship. july 6,2008.we were so happy being together , enjoyed ourselves in every companionship that we made and it was the like, i feel free and very happy about whenver i was with him, the longer the days with him, i began to forget gelo and marlfer..he was the one that i replace for them. if we had misunderstandings, it was just minor issues and we solve it by the 2 of us and then we were okay again..we lasted for almost 1 year.just a fresh from the breakup of july 25, that he announced that we began to seperate our ways. those times, my world fell down because i did not know what to do it was so unexpected and he did those things because his mother told him to broke up with me.it started in an issue na isang pagkakamali ko lang.ngunit para sa kanila, malaki na ang pagkakamaling iyon at dahil sa maling yun pinili niya na layuin ako at iwanan. i asked him if he was agreed in our situation and he told me na di niya toh ginusto.nung una kaya ko pang paniwalaan lahat ng iyon.tumagal ng 1 buwan na talagang nilalayuan na niya ako, ptuloy pa rin akong lumalapit sa kanya ngunit tinataboy pa rin niya ako. tumawag ako nung nainis siya sakin nha he wanted me to move on at narinig ko ang point ng mga kaibigan niya,na prang mga kaibigan nyha disagree sakin.kasi sa knila siya naniniwala syempre kaibigan nila, kapg iniwanan wala ng balikan, ngunit di ko siya binabilikan ng dahil dun, gusto ko lamang siya contakin..pero talagang ayaw nila.para bang sa knila napakalaki ng kasalanan ko,nagkamali lamang ako bakit maxado nilang dindibdib maxado ang masama hindi nyha pinaalam sakin at naniwala siya sa sabi ng ibang tao.masakit malaman na ang taong iningatan at minahal mong buo bibitawan ka na lang na basta na prang isang hayop lang nha pinalaya, maxado bang malki kaslanan ko? ngkamli lmang ako bkit gnun bkit? many times i cried about him dahil di p rin nasasagot ang mga tanong sa utak ko?kung maisusummary ko lhat, i just loved him pero anung nireturned nya sakin puro sisi, galit, kulang nha lang itanoy...bkit?hinde ko mlmn ang knyhang dhilan kahit alm ko nakikitha ko ayaw nha nyha sakin pero gusto ko lmn ang totoo nha walang halong rason. khit sa isang pgkktaon lng di nha kami nkpgusap muli kung di sa cp nha lng..nireturned ko ang mga gamit nyha dahil anu p bha ang silbi nun kung wala nha xa? these things only reminds me of him..thats why i decided to return it, alam kong nasaktan ko xa, nasaktan din namn ako pero ano pha bha ang lhat ng mga iyun kung wala nhxa tuloyan sakin..pnu nyha masasagot ang lhat ng mga tanong sa utak ko?bkit nyha hinyaang mngyri sa amin ang ganitoh..minhal ko lmang xa kaso ang sukli sakin galit bakit ganun.at nlmn kong dineleted nha nyha ako sa lahat ng mga accounts nyha, laking gulat ko yun tlgang nangailngn ako ng kramay.buti nha lanbg ngmessage si vane that time at pinatwag ko sya tlgng di ako mkhinga that time. naover sa heart ko lhat ng mga emotions , buti nha lng ngppslamt ako kay vane at dinamayan nyha ako for almost sa laht ng ex ko from 2nd to 6th especially sa nging special sakin, tlagang dumamay sakin.tlgang ngpaslamt ako sa knyha.kung tutuusin kaya kong mgalit sa knyha.khit ngyun pde kong gwin kung pde ayuko nha rinxa mkitha pero may nkpgsabi sakin nha kung may balak ako nha mkapgmove on sa life ko, forgive ko muna sarili ko bgong ibng tao, stop arguing and blaming each other like a child instead let forgiveness heals your heart. hbng tumatgal ang pnhon may mga bgay nha ngppaalala mula sa knya ngunit kylngn kong klimutan ngunit ayukong mging bato dahil ngyri ang mga ito kung di isang lesson pra matutunan ko lahat ng ito..sa ngyun nasa process pa rin ako pero alm ko someday mkklimutan ko rin xa..sana maisip nyha nha ang sisi di lng puro sakin sana maisip nyha nha may prt din xa ditu 2 kami ditu, at kung hhyaan nya nha sarili nyha nha mgalit, i will allow him di ko na xa hawak tulad ng dati, 3 lang ang choice either you're going to open it, run from it or hide it para lang di maobvious ang sakit nha narrmdaman.
many things have happed to my life now im faciong this road alone but whatever life will take me i know things happened because of a purpose and not just with a glimpse of the eye
summary:
maraming bgay nha ang ngyri sa life ko, ilang beses nha rin akong nasaktan at natumba ulit at tumayo pero kaylngn kong iaccept no matter wht situation is..accepting things never gonna change but only a lesson that will mark.
scar leaves no wounds but a lesson to learn well,
di lahat ng bgay may happy ending minsan kaylngn mo ring maging willing kasi kapg nttkot ka nha mawala sayu ang tao mas lalo xang llayo sayu, mas maging willing ka kapg incase nha nawala xa khit nasaktan kha handa kha para may matitirha pa rin nha savings of time para sa sarili mo
tanggap ko na lahat ay may pagbbgo
"THINGS CHANGE BECAUSE THE TIME LET IT NOT BECAUSE WE WANT IT TO HAPPEN"
